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For me as a woman in my late thirties, I’ve long felt that courtesy is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a satisfying life, I’ve struggled with very low self-confidence. This mix of wanting to respect others and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Many times, it happens so reflexively that I’m not even aware of it. It comes from anxiety and has affected both my personal and work life. It irritates my close ones and colleagues, and then I get frustrated when they point it out—which only heightens my anxiety.

Presenting and Inquiring

This over-apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to public speaking or making inquiries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay on track and avoid nervous rambling, but even that fails most of the time. As an early-career academic in politics, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as leading sessions and forcing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing setbacks from senior male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I return to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I don’t think I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to reduce the overuse of apologies. I’ve learned that therapy might assist me, but I ask how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Finding the Source

A therapist might explore where this habit comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it self-inspired or adopted from someone important to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once helped us become unhelpful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-sabotage. You are aware it irritates those around you, yet you keep doing it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than acting. Much of good therapy is about self-awareness, not just fixing issues. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a secure environment to examine and accept who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a interpersonal focus with a humanist therapist might be more helpful. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you treat, dismiss, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-esteem can develop from there.

Practical Steps

Changing ingrained patterns is hard, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by reflecting on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or being seen, by acknowledging perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a loop of annoyance and nervousness.

Even reflecting afterward can be useful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel listened to without you taking responsibility.

This process will take patience, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward change.