Balancing the Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy While Seeking a Committed Partnership
Being a gay man approaching 50, I’ve spent numerous, mostly pleasurable years engaging in casual sex with other men since the age of 19. In my 30s, I had a serious relationship that lasted four years, but it never fully satisfied me, because I felt neither loved nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that my constant desire has been for casual sex. Whenever I begin to date any man, when the initial excitement fades, I always get the urge to be intimate with new partners again.
Questioning the Possibility of Monogamy
I am now wondering whether it's possible for me to maintain a monogamous relationship. I'm aware that numerous gay men have open relationships, yet from my observations, they have seemed demanding, often resulting in significant heartache and envy for everyone involved. In many ways, I want a partner to care for me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, but I dread to imagine the psychological toll this might create. Should I just continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a lasting partnership may be unattainable? I’m feeling somewhat confused.
Each individual's intimate path fluctuates. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your ability to tolerate various forms of intimate connections as fixed. What you need as you are experiencing them now could easily shift in the future; eventually you might become less ambivalent and discover greater understanding and a suitable route … or perhaps not. One day you might meet someone offering a transformative opportunity to you by reflecting your desires in a holistic fashion … and later on you may choose that non-committal encounters are best for you. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in endless speculation is merely rooted in fear and a waste of your energy. Try to be present with your partners, and recognize the worth of every individual with whom you might have a sexual connection. When and if the time is right to deepen genuine closeness with a single person, you will know.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly practices as a American psychotherapist who specialises in addressing intimacy issues.
