🔗 Share this article

Her Experience: Understanding A Asexual Nature

Sarah, 37: “I’ve never been fond of sex. Growing up, I believed defective because society praised it highly.”

The only issue that her partner and I have ever disagreed on is intimacy in our relationship. After meeting in our late twenties, sex was clearly something he sought more often than me. Following a few months of dating, we chose to experiment with a non-monogamous setup so that Cameron could seek out partners who are more sexual than I am.

There were feelings of jealousy initially, but our connection was reinforced due to open dialogue, and I came to feel really secure in our love. It’s been a positive change for our relationship, as I never loved sex. As a teen, I thought broken since everyone else put it on a pedestal, but I never really comprehended the hype about it.

After discovering literature on asexuality online in 2021, it was an eye-opener. I was shocked, as back then I identified as a someone with desire – I find solo sex satisfying, and I experienced a fair amount of sex when I was younger. But I feel I participated in those encounters due to the fact that I had lingering guilt – a hangover of my youth in a society that teaches us you have to please your man.

The resource helped me understand was that the asexual identity is a wide range. For example, I lack sexual desire, even for those who I find very aesthetically pleasing. I admire how they look, but I have no desire to have sex with them. But I enjoy experiencing release. For me, it’s fun and it provides relief – a way to empty everything on my mind upstairs.

It felt extremely empowering to share with my partner that I am asexual. He supports this. We continue to engage in intimacy, as I sense intense intimacy and emotional unity during those moments, and I am choosing intentionally when I want to be close to him physically. It’s not that I have a libido, but there are alternative purposes to be intimate, for example wanting to be close. I notice how much he enjoys it, and that gives me pleasure. Likewise that someone who is not asexual can opt to be celibate, I can opt to be physical for alternative motivations than sexual excitement.

His Viewpoint: Love Beyond Physical Intimacy

A 36-year-old man: The fact that intimacy isn’t the focus doesn’t mean that affection is lacking.”

Physical intimacy had been a high priority to me. It was the source from which I gained much of my self-worth. I had been sick and in the hospital often in my youth, so sex turned into a practice that I believed gave me control over my body. That started to transform upon getting to know Sarah, because physical intimacy was no longer the top priority for us.

Alongside her, I discovered additional merit in other parts of myself, and it reduced the importance of sex. I do not wish to engage sexually with other people currently. Should I have like having sex, there exist different approaches I can manage it. Masturbation is an option, but it can also be taking a hike, considering my thoughts or engaging in art.

When Sarah discovered this part of herself, I started to understand that intimacy is more about bonding. That can come via physical intimacy, but as well as through different forms that are just as valuable and satisfying. I had a set understanding of what asexuality was – if you didn’t have sex, you didn’t ever feel arousal. But it varies widely, and it needs exploration to understand your position along it.

We’ve been together for almost a decade, and the fact that intimacy isn’t central is not a sign that love is lacking. Planning intentional periods for romance is very important for both of us. Sometimes we work on complex building kits and do them a little bit every morning, which is really intimate. Sometimes we’ll have an evening out and head out for a mocktail and a meal. We snuggle and set goals for the future, which is a way to show affection. I feel much satisfaction from preparing meals for others, and it leaves me very content in a similar way to satisfied state.

Her identity has enlarged the concept of our partnership. It is similar to reducing the tools available to you for your relationship – you have to be more creative with what you have. It pushes you to consider from new angles. But it never reduced the bond that I experience for her whatsoever.